


In the shadow of all the guilt

by smaragdbird



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Introspection, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 17:26:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17430311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: Nate visits his ex-drift partner's grave





	In the shadow of all the guilt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lleu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lleu/gifts).



Jake had offered to come with him, but Nate had decline, knowing it would only make things worse. 

They had buried Joseph in Australia, a small grey plaque that told of his name and the dates of his birth and death. Nothing else. No mention of him being a Jaeger pilot for six years, no holo image in the hall of heroes, although Shao had spoken of building a memory wall for all the drone pilots that had died in the attack.

Nate had bought flowers – Royal Bluebells, Joseph’s favourites. Trivial things like that were still stuck in his head, perhaps they would stay there forever. Mako had told him once that even a decade later she still remembered that Raleigh’s favourite colour had been blue or that his first dog’s name had been Spot. These things just stayed with you, became part of your shared identity in the drift. 

Mako and Raleigh had only drifted together for a few months, Nate and Joseph had been drift partners for six years. The other day he had made eggs the way Joseph liked them only to remember too late that not only was Joseph not there anymore, he was never coming back. The same way he had often caught himself thinking of Jake as his drift-partner instead of Joseph during the last eleven years.

If Jake had come with him, he would only feel guiltier than he already did.

After the Philippines, after they had saved Vik and Jinhai, Nate had refused to talk to Joseph. The moment they had returned to the Shatterdome, he had moved out of their shared room and avoided Joseph like the plague.

And Joe had let him. That was the part he remembered the most, Joseph had let him walk away, had never offered an explanation or an apology, anything. Not before he had left and not afterwards.

Perhaps there was no explanation. Joseph had never believed in the return of the Kaiju like Nate did, and there was no apology because he had never regretted leaving Nate behind to secure a different future for himself.

If Nate was being honest with himself, below the grief and the guilt, he was still angry with Joseph. For not talking to him, for leaving him, and perhaps even for not being Jake. Drifting with Jake for the first time, after six failed partners, had been indescribable. They had so effortlessly slid into each other’s minds back then and even now drifting with Jake was easier than drifting with Joseph had ever been.

Maybe that was what had driven Joseph away in the end, Nate constantly comparing him with Jake and finding him lacking. Nate had never been good at hiding his thoughts in the drift, so Joseph would have seen his doubts. He had driven Jake away, too, with their stupid fight and now when Jake got sick of him again, he’d have Amara to drift with.

Nate would have no one and maybe that was what he deserved. If he had been a better drift partner to Joseph, a better partner out of the drift, too, then he wouldn’t have left. He wouldn’t have become a drone pilot for Shao and he wouldn’t be dead.

The flowers fell to the ground as his knees gave in and he pressed a hand over his mouth to keep quiet. This was a graveyard, a place of rest and quiet, but he couldn’t stop the tears. He and Joseph had been drift partners yet there were so many things that remained unsaid between them.

He never heard the footsteps behind him, so Nate startled when someone wrapped their arms around him.

“I’m here”, Jake said, holding on tight. “And I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
